May 18th is a day I will never forget. A cardiologist at Musashino Red Cross Hospital told me, "you have terminal pancreatic cancer, which metasized to your bone marrows. You have 6 months left." When my wife and I heard it, we couldn't stop holding each other in our arms, because it was such a sudden and irrational fate. I usually thought that "death is inevitable", but this was all too sudden.
There certainly were signs. A few months before that, I felt a strong pain in every part of my back, my leg joints, etc., I couldn't move my right leg very well, and I had to use great effort to walk, so I went to acupuncturists and chiropractors. However, my condition didn't improve, so when I went to get MRI and PET-CT scans, the results suddenly showed that my days were numbered. Now that my death is creeping up behind me, I no longer have the will to fight it.
After my verdict was handed down, my wife searched desperately for a way to extend my life. I received help from reliable friends and powerful acquaintances. However, I had a slightly different world view, so I refused the cancer drugs. I felt that it would be more fitting of me to reject "normality." I was never one to place myself in the majority, and the same applied to medical care. I realized the tricks behind modern mainstream medicine.
"Shouldn't your world view be about surviving longer!?" But, if I used my sheer willpower, I'll barely be able to work. My disease progressed every day.
On the other hand, I view myself as part of the world, so I’m staying half-alive. I paid my taxes, after all. I lived as a full member in long history of Japanese society. That's why I wanted to reply to my friends and family, who were eager to extend my lifespan, "I am prepared to die." However, I couldn't do that at all. One reason was that I had to entrust two close friends to manage the short list of copyrights that I held. Another reason was that I wanted to leave my small savings to my family without any hitches by writing a will. Of course, my death won't cause an inheritance war, but I didn't want to leave a single worry to my wife, so I can leave this world assured.
My family and I are bad at filling out paperwork for these procedures, but luckily I had a wonderful friend who speedily prepared them for us. After that, when I went into critical condition due to pneumonia, I hazily filled out the last signature on this will. That's when I understood that there's no turning back.
"Ahh...I'm finally going to die." At any rate, two days before that, I was transported to Musashino Red Cross Hospital via ambulance, and I back went to the same hospital the next day. As one would expect, I got a thorough check-up. The results said that as a complication of my pneumonia, pleural fluid is rapidly accumulating in my chest. While I heard the doctor's polite and businesslike answer, "these...few days...even if you get pass them, this month will be tough", I thought that this was similar to a weather forecast. That was July 7th. It was a cruel Tanabata.
That was when I made my decision. I wanted to die in my own home. It might be a big pain to the people around me, but I found a way to escape back to my own home. My wife's efforts brought cooperation from the hospital (as if they've given up), support from other clinics, and other blessings I would never imagine. I couldn't believe how well my needs and desires were fulfilled by chance. It was just like "Tokyo Godfathers."
(...)
